I left Portland around 3pm yesterday, just when the sunshine started to break through. It made me glad that I was coming back. That I could return with a better attitude and get another chance to take it all in.
Ashley and I went to Blossoming Lotus for brunch yesterday. It was ah-mazing. Vegan eggs benedict and coconut french toast with cashew vanilla cream. Yum. Portland has amazing food. Vegan bars, vegan brunches, vegan food carts. When I get back there will be much more sampling of what the town has to offer.
Seattle is only about a 3 or 4 hour drive from Portland. After navigating my first bit of serious traffic I pulled onto a street heavy with trees and ran out to meet Anna (one of my best friends from high school). It’s been about 3 years since we’ve seen each other and we’re both such different people but none of that mattered much.
She lives in a sweet cottage like home with hir boyfriend Ian. Wooden walls, spare rooms and beautiful flowers outside the guest room window. They each have their own separate room in the house. He has the man cave, with a flat screen tv, computer, and soccer jerseys. She has the lady’s den complete with a desk, a settee and some books. It’s both hilarious and sort of genius.
It was good to sit across from an old friend. Someone who knows some of the history of me. Memory is so important. We caught up on the past three years or tried to. Didn’t need to say too much. Just the facts. The rest was kind of understood. She knew the ramifications of how I’ve been loved recently. Knew how different it was from the past. She could feel what a blessing it has been. I told hir about how I’d found heart and sweetness and nourishment and sex. We laughed about the days when I thought I’d only find that with boys. She asked if I’d ever date men again, I shook my head. Though that’s the simple answer, doesn’t quite take into account the layers of identity and naming. She took a deep breath, sighed and smiled. She said my face looked different. My jaw had settled and my cheekbones relaxed. She talked about how tightly I used to hold my face. Talked about the difference between a jaw that’s settled and one that’s set. And it made so much sense to me. Because my life doesn’t have the same tension. Nobody is on the edge of death. Nobody is trying to hurt me. Nobody is using my love as an excuse or a life support. My face is softer, happier, because my life is. What a gift to have that reflected back.
We talked about some of the boys. Because some of the big loves of my life have been boys. Though at times it feels like I’m supposed to leave them in the past. Like a queer/dyke identity can’t hold them too. But I want to bring our stories into my life again. And not just the ones about dying or drugs or jail. Not just the ones that speak to why those boys weren’t always healthy for me. I want to find space to talk about the love, the connection, and the sex that I enjoyed.
Because Jeff is the one that set the bar for love in my life. And I don’t remember the last time I wrote or spoke of him. He was my first love. He was a BIG love. We knew each other. Spent hours learning together. He’d play me songs that told his stories and I’d give him my journals to read. The whole book. I gave him so much of me. My heart, my body, completely. And he treated them tenderly. Loved them, gave them the respect they deserved. For the most part. He’s far from me now and that’s probably a good thing but he has earned a place in my stories. And the hurt of the end of that love, the disappointment that he has never treated himself with the care I know he deserves, has long ago faded. He can just be part of what built me now.
Anna and I stayed up sitting on hir couch, talking, snacking, being crude. And in moments I thought I’d been teleported back to Berea. Back to the 10th grade when we skipped school and snuck wine in hir living room. But neither of us are those girls anymore. She is a little calmer and I’m a little less rigid. Hir home is simple and beautiful and she found somebody who helps keep hir from spinning out of control. And I’ve got some joy, a peaceful life and people that love me without needing me. We’re doing alright.
Now I’m off to breakfast and exploration. Time to see what Seattle has for me. It’s gray and cool outside which matches my slow calm feeling. I’m not quite sure where to start in this town but I know I’ll find my way.
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