Where You Go, I Will Go. A Wedding Service. The Love Of Idgie and Ruth.

Rough draft: Sections of a wedding service for two queer women, written as an assignment.

Greeting and Introduction

The couple stands facing the one presiding.

Officiant: Welcome Partner #1 and Partner #2. Welcome to this day. A day made sacred by the presence of love and beloved community. Please turn to see all those who have gathered to share in the delight of your love.

The couple turns to face the gathering of witnesses.

Officiant: Look out and see the community who loves you and has gathered here to affirm the power, grace, and holiness of your love for one another. We know that love does not grow in isolation. It is nourished, supported, and challenged by those in our lives who bear witness to it. With us today are all those you see before you, all those who could not or would not be here, and all those who have gone before. We offer special thanks to those whose lives, hearts, and struggle have made this love, this moment, possible. You stand here today as part of their legacy. Your love is part of a rich history.

To those gathered, will you repeat after me.

Officiant: We see you.

People: We see you.

Officiant: We support you.

People: We support you.

Officiant: We delight in you.

People: We delight in you.

Officiant: We love you.

People: We love you.

Officiant: You may be seated.

The couple turns back to face the officiant.

Officiant: To love is an act of revolution; in spirit, in heart, in body, in mind. To love is to defy greed, control, and cynicism. To love is to claim the deep transformation that comes when we commit ourselves to one another and allow ourselves to be truly seen. In choosing to love we name ourselves worthy and step into the power of the divine love that connects each of us. To love is to recognize the lie of scarcity and choose a new path.

The Homily (aka A Short Sermon)

“Where you go, I will go;

    where you lodge, I will lodge;

your people shall be my people,

    and your God my God.”

I love these words. They speak to a sense of unity that so many of us long for. They come from the book of Ruth, an ancient tale of resilience and deep love. However, most of us probably know them from the sacred story of Idgie Threadgoode and Ruth Jamison in Fried Green Tomatoes. These were the words, found on a torn out page of the bible, that Ruth sent when she called for Idgie. Now, I’ve only seen the film so forgive me any inconsistencies with the book. But this was this passage that invited Idgie back into Ruth’s life. It was a commitment of the heart, but it was also an expression of need.

“Where you go, I will go;

    where you lodge, I will lodge;

your people shall be my people,

    and your God my God.”

Ruth and Idgie shared a love that saved both of their lives time and time again. Together they started a business, raised a child, nourished a community, and defied injustice. They built a life. It was a life that had not been modeled or laid before them. Each day they perfected their covenant. They laughed, wept, played, fought, and fiercely defended one another. Their love was quiet but transformative, not just for themselves but for all those whose lives they touched. And no, their lives were not free of violence, loss, or trial, but together they tasted a honey so sweet that it defied death.

Today we are here to celebrate the love of Partner #1 and Partner #2. Like Idgie and Ruth their love is one of creation. It does not remain confined to two hearts. Instead it moves into the world and lifts others up. We feel them do this in their music, their deep kindness, their cultivation of family, and the careful care they show to each other, their beloved dog, and their garden. I have felt that love and I know many here today have been touched by that love as well.

It is an honor to stand in celebration of a love that is so fierce, so evident, and so kind. Today we gather to bear witness to this love and the deep commitment that has long existed between your two hearts.

Just as your love transcends your pairing, so does this act of commitment. This world does not make it easy to love. There is profound heartache, incredible injustice, and wounds within each of us that escape naming. Love will be tested, and it will take more than the power of two to overcome. So as a community we also make a commitment to you.

Together we vow again…

Officiant: We see you.

People: We see you.

Officiant: We support you.

People: We support you.

Officiant: We delight in you.

People: We delight in you.

Officiant: We love you.

People: We love you.

May your love be as deep, comforting, and charmed as the love of Idgie and Ruth. May that love continue to grow and blossom thanks to its deep roots in care, respect, accountability, and passion. May you know the unconditional love and support of one another, of your community, and of all creation. 

Breaking Code: Intersections of Queerness and Madness

So proud to be a co-curator of this incredible event.

Breaking Code: Intersections of Queerness and Madness

Part of the 2014 National Queer Arts Festival

June 9th, San Francisco LGBT Center

Many of our communities have not yet embraced candid conversation about mental health. On June 9th, 2014 seventeen Queer and Trans artists will come together to claim the ways madness informs, complicates, and sweetens our lives.

For many, speaking about mental health is yet another coming out process. Breaking Code showcases visual and performing artists exploring the ways ‘Queer’ and ‘Crazy’ have been forced together and forced apart. Together we use the tools of reclamation and subversion, that many of us develop as we come to a queer identity, to rethink our relationship to mental health.
With power and vulnerability, we continue the legacy of resisting shame by claiming our wholeness.

By Your Tickets Now!

June 9
Breaking Code: The Intersections of Queerness and Madness
Exhibit Reception: 6pm-7pm
Performance: 7pm
San Francisco LGBT Center, $12 - $20, No One Turned Away ...
The visual arts exhibit will be up from June 2nd - July 18th.

Watch the Breaking Code Video and Support the Project!

For more information contact breakingcode2014@gmail.com

The First Time

The first time I had sex with a girl there was 180 proof vodka, three other womyn in the room and a boyfriend that stormed out the door. Hir boyfriend. My door. She’d leaned over him to kiss my neck. A neck that hadn’t been kissed in months, years really if we’re only counting the times it was done right.

She leaned farther and found my lips. Lips that had grown accustomed to being dry or conciliatory. Lips that had lost their pleasure long ago in a dark room with a best friend turned harsh before them. There was no moisture after that.

I sat stiff, uncertain, as she stretched for me. And then she was there, on my lap. My hand wound through hir curls, the other holding firmly the small of hir back. She was there – like she had always been – like maybe she always would be.

A door slammed and he was gone. And I was glad. And she was undone. I laid hir down, soft, sure, certain. Hands fumbled around us. Messy, drunk, frantic. Pausing only occasionally to stare at our stillness, our intention. Like when my nipples stroked hir stomach as hir breath became steam and moans and sex and yes. Or the sweet resurrection of my tongue as it found hir clit and hir back arched, became my steeple, and I followed. I followed the wet, the slick scent of hir, and it brought me back.

We Will Not Be Silent

I worked as a peace keeper for this action. It was so, so, so amazing.

Friday, Nov. 7, thousands of California residents took to the streets in San Francisco at 5:30pm to protest the passage of Proposition 8 in Tuesday's election, that banned same-sex marriage, which had been legalized earlier this year. Queer, trans, and straight allies all joined the march to express outrage over Prop 8 taking people's equal rights away.

After the main march began, a small affinity group took action, joining hands and blockading Market Street at 9th, holding a banner reading "WE WILL NOT BE SILENT: REPEAL PROP 8".

Hundreds of supporters remained along the streets and sidewalks, chanting together, "Say No to Hate: Repeal Prop 8!", "What Do We Want? EQUAL RIGHTS! When Do We Want It? NOW!", and many others.

The group had already blocked traffic for over two hours, when the main march (which had proceeded to Dolores Park), heard about the action and marched all the way back to 9th and Market to join the street blockade.

The energy was high, and chanting was endless. After a brief sit-in behind the line of blockaders, the crowd collectively decided to push past the line of police lined up opposite the blockaders, and marched to City Hall, pouring onto the front steps and taking up the whole street in front. After about 30 minutes of the whole crowd chanting, and several impassioned speeches, the original affinity group led the crowd back to Market Street, and up to the Castro District. It was an unbelievable mass of energy, with thousands literally taking over San Francisco's streets. Diners in restaurants curiously came out to the sidewalks, with many supporters joining in the march, to a chorus of "Whose Streets? OUR STREETS! Whose Rights? OUR RIGHTS!"

When the march reached 18th and Castro St. around 9pm, marchers sat down to occupy the
intersection well into the night, listening to many individuals who became inspired to speak up.

Read CBS Channel 5's account of the protest and watch their news broadcast videos here: http://cbs5.com/local/proposition.8.protest.2.859454.html

Getting ready to lock down the intersection.

Our baner, holding strong. I'm off playing peace keeper somewhere.

My view from the steps of city hall. One of the most amazing moments of my life.

Writing Our History

I went to see a documentary the other night about a man named Baynard Rustin. He was one of the most influential people in the civil rights movement and guided Martin Luther King Jr. through the complexities of non-violence, tirelessly putting his body on the line to push the movement forward…but nobody’s ever heard of him. Why you may ask? Well Baynard lived his whole life as an openly queer man, though maybe not “out” as we would think of it today. He took many lovers and was comfortable with his queerness, but as time went on it became obvious that he would have to choose between (politically) being a black man or a gay man. In the late 60’s he was caught having sex with two men in the back of a car and convicted of being a “sexual pervert”. Shortly there after he was pushed out of the organizations he had fueled and was shunned by those who called him comrade, including Martin Luther King Jr. Over time he “quieted” down his sexuality and went on to organize the March on Washington where King delivered his I Have A Dream speech, and if you look closely you can see Baynard standing right behind him.

After the movie there was a panel discussion and the director spoke at length about how hard it had been to get to the persinal side of Rustin’s life. “As a community we don’t record our history”, she said. Someone from the GLBT Historical Society joined in by sharing how difficult it is for them to piece together the lives of queer folks who have purposely left nothing behind. It made me so sad and reminded me how important written and verbal histories are. It also made me question if my queer relationships were being given the same focus as my straight relationships, especially when it comes to sex.

It occurs to me that other than writing a few dirty emails to the persin I was sleeping with, I’ve never really sat down and written about the queer sex I’ve had. I have pages and pages of sappy/sexy love poems and dirty journal entries about the boys I’ve slept with, or wanted to, but not for the womyn and queers. This shall be a new years resolution. In the beginning I think I probably avoided writing about it because I had no clue what I was doing, what terms to use, how to use them, what was “normal”, or even what I was allowed to call sex and what I wasn’t. I mean, how DO lesbians have sex anyways, right?? I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been asked that and each time the persin is met with annoyance, but in truth part of my annoyance is because I still don’t know what to say (other than mind your own fucking business you skeezy ass dude). Sex outside of that comfy heteronormative bubble gets wonderfully fuzzy and it can be confusing, for queers and our straight counterparts. If dick in vagina no longer equals sex, then what the hell are we talking about? Is it all about going down on each other? Kissing? Finger fucking? Tribadism (huh?!!)? Fisting? Strap-ons? What is acceptable and what isn’t? AM I DOING THIS RIGHT? I was terrified that someone would figure out that I was just making shit up as I went along and that it would somehow discredit my place in the queer community. I was so unsure of where I stood that I couldn’t afford to have anyone tell me I was doing something wrong. In fact my lack of writing about queer relationships may have more to do with the fear of being condemned by the queer community than it does with being outed in the straight world.

Now I’m much more confident in my queerness, which in and of itself is bizarre for me. There was a time when I thought there was only one womyn I would ever be with. That I wasn’t queer so much as I was just head over heels in love with hir. But now we’re broken up and I’m in a place where I can’t imagine dating a (non-trans) man. I still don’t know all the terms, how to deal with “dyke drama”, or where exactly I fit…but sexually, politically and spiritually my “queerness” nourishes me.

I’m still learning about myself and the community I’m a part of, but I know what kind of sex I like, what I’m good at, what my insecurities are and (luckily) I know better than to feel guilty about any of it. There will always be lesbians out there that would say I fuck like a straight girl and boys out there that could never see me as anything but a dyke, but the truth is that most folks I know have sex that blurs definitions and gender. Girls top boys, femmes top butches, queers fuck straight folks and what may feel like sex with one persin might not with another. So I’m going to work on not being so intimidated about writing about my experience. There are few things that have been as empowering for me as being queer and if I died and the history of my queerness was lost I would be real, real sad.

The Queer In Me

Life seems a little more manageable these days. I’m excited about my future and I find myself breathing through anxiety less and less. Now I’m getting back to the day to day boredom of my life, which is actually pretty comforting. I’ve been reading a lot and starting to explore the type of person I want to become. I used to be so certain about who I was, but now that all these choices are laid out before me I’m just not sure. There are so many roads that I can take and, for whatever reason, my inner compass isn’t as clear as it used to be.

This past year has stripped me of the comfort of a community that reflects my values and has asked me to examine if those beliefs still hold true when I’m alone, and I’m pleased to say that (for the most part) they do. I know for certain now that veganism, anarchism, not shaving, compassion, radicalism, is what is important to ME and not just to the community I am a part of. These are choices I’m making because they reflect my values, I’m not just trying to be one of the cool kids. And let’s be honest, haven’t we all questioned our motives at some point or another?

And now that I am sans girlfriend I get to figure out if I’m actually “Queer”. It may seem like a no brainer (relationship with another woman for 2 ½ years + sex with other woman + liking sex with other woman = Queer), but I’m not so sure. I’ve just recently come around to the term Queer and only because it allowed my sexuality a great deal of fluidity. Before that I was just a self professed straight girl that happened to be dating a woman. The majority of my relationships have been with men and I’ve felt “straight” my whole life but I’m beginning to wonder if maybe I was just using straight as a synonym for normal. My attractions never made me feel abnormal, maybe a little eccentric, but not abnormal. So now I want to start actively thinking about how straight/Queer I really am.

Sex and relationships with woman feel intimidating. If Madeleine hadn’t taken charge in the beginning I don’t know that we would have ever happened. In fact I don’t know if I would have ever seriously considered dating a woman. I was never really closed to the possibility but I know now that I would have never pursued it. And even now the idea of pursuing a woman (other than Madeleine) feels scary and strange. I think partly that comes from homophobia, internalized and otherwise, but I think it also has something to do with the fear that another woman will see right through me. I don’t know how to play games with woman and that’s a vulnerable place to be. When it comes to boys I’ve got a pretty good handle on the rules but girls and trans folks are a whole new game.

So often when discussing sexual orientation you are asked to choose sides, either being Queer is biological or you’re a bigot and I’m not sure I swing with that. I never felt oppressed by my sexual orientation until I started dating Madeleine. I don’t remember having a childhood full of sexual exploration with other girls. I had no secret sleepover makeout sessions or soul wrenching girl crushes. I thought about woman sexually from time to time but I just figured that was normal. I was surrounded by a world that objectified and lusted over womans bodies so I felt no shame when I did the same. And when it comes to dating Madeleine I chose (gasp, shock, horror) to explore my attraction to her. My life wouldn’t have been over if I had never dated her but I can just about guarantee you that my life would have been worse.

Our relationship was everything it wasn’t supposed to be. It was a choice, it was used to help us heal from sexual violence, it was in college. Society (including Queer society) tries to tell me that because those things are true my relationship was somehow inauthentic, and to that I say…fuck you. Isn’t there something wrong when we, the Queers, believe that there is something negative about CHOOSING to be Queer? Why do we treat it as if that might ruin somebody’s life? Why do we pretend that choosing to be Queer can only lead to hate crimes and oppression? What about all the joy, truth and community that comes with being Queer? What about all the good things? Why focus on what they tell us we are supposed to hate about ourselves? Why not shout from a mountain top that being Queer can be one of the best choices you make for yourself?

Biology, in some cases (because I certainly don’t deny that many if not most Queer people do not choose to be so), seems like a cop out. It seems to be a tool used to shirk responsibility for the pain that being Queer can cause loved ones. Obviously I wouldn’t choose to bring this firestorm of homophobia down on my family. Obviously I wouldn’t choose to hurt you by asking you to question your bigotry. I’ve got nothing to do with it, this pain is not my fault, I have no control over it. But here’s the kicker, the pain and discomfort that may fall upon our loved ones because we’re Queer really ISN’T our fault, whether we choose to be Queer or not. The injustice of heterosexism/homophobia is not the responsibility of Queers, it’s the responsibility of the bigots, so why are we making it easier for them?

Trouble only comes when choosing to be Queer equals sinful and wrong. But I know that I’m not sinful. In fact my relationship with Madeleine was one of the holiest gifts ever granted to me and I’m blessed to have a family that knows that too. My Grandfather may not be entirely comfortable with the fact that I’ve had sex with Madeleine but he can recognize what a positive force she is in my life. And trust me I know how lucky I am.

I’m searching for my best self and I’m not going to turn away anyone who may have clues as to what that might mean. So yeah, I’m not sure who I’ll be sleeping with in the future or what gender(s) they might be, but I’m not turning anyone away and I guess that makes me pretty fucking Queer.