Life seems a little more manageable these days. I’m excited about my future and I find myself breathing through anxiety less and less. Now I’m getting back to the day to day boredom of my life, which is actually pretty comforting. I’ve been reading a lot and starting to explore the type of person I want to become. I used to be so certain about who I was, but now that all these choices are laid out before me I’m just not sure. There are so many roads that I can take and, for whatever reason, my inner compass isn’t as clear as it used to be.
This past year has stripped me of the comfort of a community that reflects my values and has asked me to examine if those beliefs still hold true when I’m alone, and I’m pleased to say that (for the most part) they do. I know for certain now that veganism, anarchism, not shaving, compassion, radicalism, is what is important to ME and not just to the community I am a part of. These are choices I’m making because they reflect my values, I’m not just trying to be one of the cool kids. And let’s be honest, haven’t we all questioned our motives at some point or another?
And now that I am sans girlfriend I get to figure out if I’m actually “Queer”. It may seem like a no brainer (relationship with another woman for 2 ½ years + sex with other woman + liking sex with other woman = Queer), but I’m not so sure. I’ve just recently come around to the term Queer and only because it allowed my sexuality a great deal of fluidity. Before that I was just a self professed straight girl that happened to be dating a woman. The majority of my relationships have been with men and I’ve felt “straight” my whole life but I’m beginning to wonder if maybe I was just using straight as a synonym for normal. My attractions never made me feel abnormal, maybe a little eccentric, but not abnormal. So now I want to start actively thinking about how straight/Queer I really am.
Sex and relationships with woman feel intimidating. If Madeleine hadn’t taken charge in the beginning I don’t know that we would have ever happened. In fact I don’t know if I would have ever seriously considered dating a woman. I was never really closed to the possibility but I know now that I would have never pursued it. And even now the idea of pursuing a woman (other than Madeleine) feels scary and strange. I think partly that comes from homophobia, internalized and otherwise, but I think it also has something to do with the fear that another woman will see right through me. I don’t know how to play games with woman and that’s a vulnerable place to be. When it comes to boys I’ve got a pretty good handle on the rules but girls and trans folks are a whole new game.
So often when discussing sexual orientation you are asked to choose sides, either being Queer is biological or you’re a bigot and I’m not sure I swing with that. I never felt oppressed by my sexual orientation until I started dating Madeleine. I don’t remember having a childhood full of sexual exploration with other girls. I had no secret sleepover makeout sessions or soul wrenching girl crushes. I thought about woman sexually from time to time but I just figured that was normal. I was surrounded by a world that objectified and lusted over womans bodies so I felt no shame when I did the same. And when it comes to dating Madeleine I chose (gasp, shock, horror) to explore my attraction to her. My life wouldn’t have been over if I had never dated her but I can just about guarantee you that my life would have been worse.
Our relationship was everything it wasn’t supposed to be. It was a choice, it was used to help us heal from sexual violence, it was in college. Society (including Queer society) tries to tell me that because those things are true my relationship was somehow inauthentic, and to that I say…fuck you. Isn’t there something wrong when we, the Queers, believe that there is something negative about CHOOSING to be Queer? Why do we treat it as if that might ruin somebody’s life? Why do we pretend that choosing to be Queer can only lead to hate crimes and oppression? What about all the joy, truth and community that comes with being Queer? What about all the good things? Why focus on what they tell us we are supposed to hate about ourselves? Why not shout from a mountain top that being Queer can be one of the best choices you make for yourself?
Biology, in some cases (because I certainly don’t deny that many if not most Queer people do not choose to be so), seems like a cop out. It seems to be a tool used to shirk responsibility for the pain that being Queer can cause loved ones. Obviously I wouldn’t choose to bring this firestorm of homophobia down on my family. Obviously I wouldn’t choose to hurt you by asking you to question your bigotry. I’ve got nothing to do with it, this pain is not my fault, I have no control over it. But here’s the kicker, the pain and discomfort that may fall upon our loved ones because we’re Queer really ISN’T our fault, whether we choose to be Queer or not. The injustice of heterosexism/homophobia is not the responsibility of Queers, it’s the responsibility of the bigots, so why are we making it easier for them?
Trouble only comes when choosing to be Queer equals sinful and wrong. But I know that I’m not sinful. In fact my relationship with Madeleine was one of the holiest gifts ever granted to me and I’m blessed to have a family that knows that too. My Grandfather may not be entirely comfortable with the fact that I’ve had sex with Madeleine but he can recognize what a positive force she is in my life. And trust me I know how lucky I am.
I’m searching for my best self and I’m not going to turn away anyone who may have clues as to what that might mean. So yeah, I’m not sure who I’ll be sleeping with in the future or what gender(s) they might be, but I’m not turning anyone away and I guess that makes me pretty fucking Queer.
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