A Year In Al-Anon

I just picked up my one year chip in Al-Anon, took a breath and felt some resolve for the new year.

In the beginning of 2009 I stepped into my first Al-Anon meeting and felt rage that I could just barely contain. It seeped out all over my life. I felt so betrayed, confused, alone. Bitter. So fucking bitter. Feelings I’d convinced myself I’d worked through came back and came back and came back. Rejection, loneliness, fear, loss, abandonment, entrapment. Each one called to me, waived its finger and said, “Tsk, tsk, you thought you were so smart. Ha! Now look at you….” And when I looked I couldn’t see anything. Each piece of me was turned in on itself, distorted by a magnifying glass I never wanted. And all of a sudden my survival was a double edged sword. It had kept me alive but kept me distant. Kept me moving forward but kept me from ever truly being present.

And I was so ashamed. Felt so inadequate. Because so much of what I thought I knew wasn’t actually true. Because the decisions I made for myself hurt as often as they helped. Because I wasn’t as good at taking care of myself as I thought I was. Because the one persin I could always depend on turned out not to be so dependable after all. Me. I was broken. Had been broken. And had lied that I wasn’t. I could speak about pain but not feel it.

And that’s what 2009 was for me. A year of feeling. A year of opening up. And that opening up often looked like shutting down. Looked like keeping everyone at arms length. Looked like hoarding my emotions, my time, my resources. Because for the first time I could actually FEEL everything. In my heart, my body. Each sting, each joy, each sadness. The sensation was acutely overwhelming. It was completely disorienting and I no longer trusted my ability to contribute, to care for myself or others, to be a friend, lover, co-worker. I no longer trusted others to treat me with respect, to understand, to love me, to see me. And the heart breaking part is that none of that was really new. Just the naming of it was.

And perhaps that will be the challenge of 2010, letting go of the judgment and the idea that I can shape my life through sheer willpower. Learning to sit with my own imperfections and hold them a bit more tenderly. Remembering I have a choice and I can choose to give myself the love, room and respect I deserve. I can choose to share my life with others. Allow them true access. Allow myself to depend on them some too. I can accept that in the past my only option was to go it alone. I can honor that truth and gather the strength to take the next step. I can start a new year believing that I deserve better.