A Lonely Buzz

Lonely, a word I’ve been doing my best to avoid. I rationalize it, talk in circles, say ‘yeah but…’, or just quietly slink away from it. I think, yeah I guess I’m a little lonely but look at all these great friends of mine, this fabulous place I’m living, these blessings all around me. I talk myself out of my loneliness. I squeeze out from behind it and try to giggle at its absurdity. But it’s still there.

It catches up to me in quiet pauses amidst groups of friends or sitting near the window on the bus. I think of all the changes in the past few months and I’m caught between relief and longing. I feel the happy weight of moving forward but find reminders of what I wish could’ve been everywhere. It’s not just the relationships that fell apart or changed but also the memory of a time when things felt more certain. When I knew what my goals were and the steps I needed to take to get there.

Yesterday I found myself on a bench waiting for the 24 trying to pin down some of the thoughts whirling through me. I caught bits of memory, sudden shifts, glimpses of faces now far from me, but none of it was responsible for the static buzzing in my chest. No one persin, thought or happening had left me crying there. It wasn’t even the overwhelming sense of loss and change when you added them all up. Instead it was that quiet loneliness that had gone unnamed. And try as I might I cannot rationalize it. It makes no sense to me. But it’s here.

It is with me when I realize how little she knew me. It tugs at me when I wake up in the mornings and nothing is required of me or when my family calls and I can’t manage to pick up the phone. It is there when I allow something to slip away and I’m completely certain it’s for the best. And it is with me when my uncertainty paralyzes me.

It is here with me, the elephant in the room of mind. But loneliness ignored quickly turns to a false sense of purpose. It’s instant gratification at it’s ugliest. And it keeps me treading water instead of sailing forward. So I’m trying to cozy up to the idea of being lonely. Trying to make it a friend. A steady buzz to give texture to the freedom and possibilities spread out before me.