So tonight I had a long talk with Inga Muscio (that's right the authoress of Cunt). And she really pushed me to think about a few things. I told hir about the letter idea to which she replied "here's the thing, he doesn’t really deserve it" ....and that's true....to an extent. Over the past couple of weeks (months, years) I have spent a serious amount of emotional energy worrying about him. Worrying how he will react and whether or not it might hurt him....and what the fuck for? Why does he deserve that? I can guarantee he doesn’t lay awake at night torturing himself about how his actions have affected my life or persinal growth. So why am I? Why do I continuously put his interests first? It is yet another way of making myself a victim and I need to cut that shit out. So here is the new plan. I will write him a letter but I will not tell him any way in which he has gained power over me. I will not give him the privilege of knowing how he has so effectively destroyed a part of my sense of self. He does not deserve to know that. I will however tell him that he is a rapist, that he hurt one of his closest friends and that I will no longer protect him.
I had toyed with the idea of putting flyers up around town and I talked to Inga about that. She had mentioned that one of hir friends had done something like that and that it was a good way of getting the word out. I'm not sure I'm strong enough to deal with the consequences that action might have, but I have decided that I am going to write another letter that I'll give to my friends in Berea and other people that know him. Myspace and Facebook will be key players in helping me to get the word out.
She asked me if I had a support system here and after really thinking about it I told hir the closest thing to the truth...no. I have only a few people that I feel are really willing to go to bat for me, to stick with me through all the ugly hard shit that might go my way. She asked me what was keeping me here and I told hir economics, that I couldn't afford to be anywhere else right now. I told hir that was really only half true and that part of the reason that I stuck around was because I was committed to working on issues in Berea like addiction and hopelessness. To which she replied "why are those issues that are important to work on but nobody will support you in working on this...that's not, you know, reciprocal. and that's not healthy for you" and she is absolutely fucking right. I work on other peoples shit all the time and I make excuse after excuse as to why there is nobody there to give me a helping hand. My expectations for friends and solidarity in this town is absofuckinlutely non existent and that is fucking garbage. Here is the thing, people here have a choice they can be a good friend or than can not. Those are there options. I will no longer sacrifice my sanity and safety for those who are unwilling to sacrifice even the smallest amount of emotional energy for me. And here is the hard honest to goodness truth....anyone who is willing to be friends with the man that raped me is no fucking friend at all.
I told hir I was worried because his mother is really sick right now and I care about both hir and his sister and she suggested that instead of putting alot of energy into writing a letter to him that I sit down and spend some time writing a letter to them, because they deserve it. And I realized what I was really worried about was putting them in a position where they would suffer for his actions. I realize now that that is unavoidable. There is nothing I can do to prevent the hurt and heartache that will go along with being told that someone you love has done something so horrible. I cannot wait to see if Daniella gets better. And I cannot allow myself to feel bad for adding more stress to hir life. The only regret that I will allow myself is that I didn't say something sooner. I am not responsible for this pain. He is. It is his actions that brought us here. It his actions that are inflicting pain. Not mine. This is not my fault.
Am I still scared? Hell fucking yeah. Is it possible that everyone will turn against me? Yes....but I can't care about it anymore. I don't have the energy to worry that my whole town will turn against me. I don't have the energy to worry about the backlash. If I lose friends over this than so be it because remaining silent will kill me. I can no longer worry about being believed. I know what happened. I know what's true and that is going to have to be enough. I will pray for the strength to get through it and I will remain faithful that there will be people by my side willing to help.
My word is going to have to be enough.
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