Widen And Close

I sit to write and I pull from what is easy, what is always tangible and what is decidedly distant.

I pour on about a mother, a lover, a rape, a cause. I can spill about all of that- talk about how I’ve survived, the way I want the world to be and who has let me down. But I avoid the right here, the in front of me. I’ve not yet learned how to grapple as I go. I have lived a life in hindsight and anticipation. I see clearly what was and who I want to be but there is little love for the now.

The truth about now is that I have love and very little certainty. Everything solid seems to have shifted and I can no longer depend on what has been. My focus, my goals, my sense of self…they all flutter- widen- and slam closed. I am walking between worlds, scanning for what is ahead and coming up short.

So for now, I am learning to love myself for something more than survival and trying not to hate myself for how often I seem to get it all wrong.