Clenched

She says to me, “You do this funny thing with your hands when you’re nervous or mad”.
“Huh?” I say.
“Yeah you tuck your thumb away or something...I’ll point it out to you next time”.
“Um, ok”.

A week later, I’m talking to hir, just casual, just about my day, trying to find the right words. Always trying to find the right words. Hir finger points downward, “See?” I look and my fingers are folded gently over, protecting thumbs from I don’t know what. It looks peaceful, this gesture, and I only understand the pain when I unfold and my shoulders decompress. Makes me wonder what I’m holding.

I look now and that gentle fist is there. I’ve found it’s almost always there, waiting to be noticed. A steady companion. A gentle rage. For what I can’t say.

I am disconnected, feel firm in nothing, transient. Insecure in my emotion, my finances, my place, my purpose. This is not uncommon. I am not alone. But here I am, clenched. And I wonder what I need to unfurl. I wonder what I need to say.

Absorb emotion. I absorb emotion all day. Mine, hirs, my clients, my friends, the people on the bus. I soak it up, take it in, process it through and try to understand. Understand the base of that emotion. Strive not to take it persinally. I soak and soak and soak it up. But where do I ring it out? Where do I let go? Who helps to squeeze me dry? Who do I allow to do that? I don’t trust. Don’t trust my ability to release without incineration. Don’t trust others to respect my process. Don’t trust their validation, but can’t live without it. So I hold. And hold. And store. And eventually I start to think, hum...maybe it is me. Maybe I am completely unreasonable. Maybe I am cruel. Maybe I don’t belong here. Maybe I’m not skilled. Maybe I do deserve this.

I hold it. I take emotional punches and try to brush them off. I feel nothing. I taste muted emotion. Required emotion. Rational emotion. Feel no real rage or pride or love. I am removed. Out of reach. I stretch, I lean, I angle but I still can’t grab it.

Not with fists clenched.