The Breaking Of The Day

There is no one word to sum up my feelings about life right now. No nice way to wrap it all up or make sense of it. It has been maddening, enraged, blessed, desperate, beautiful, transformative. I have found myself surrounded by a community that I have longed for and work I can delve into passionately. I’ve confronted hard truths, made new friends, lost my mind, grieved and realized that my life at this moment is everything I asked for.

I’ve set a goal for myself and slowly, without even noticing it, that goal has been achieved. I’m surrounded by radical queer womyn, I’m writing more, I’m recommitting myself to active anti-oppression work and I live in a house that supports me, loves me and pushes me. Still in the midst of all of this, there was a loss of balance so intense that it threatened to push me backwards instead of forward and leave me in a place that I have fought for years to get out of.

As someone who is bi-polar I’ve learned to find a calm balance between mania and depression, and it is on that middle ground that I have built a life for myself. A life that draws inspiration from intense, unreasonable passion but is grounded by deep, difficult emotion. This balance defines me, is precious to me. It forces me to examine the root of emotion and forgive myself and others on a daily basis. It asks me to recognize my blessings and be accountable. It is the dogma I live by. But when that balance is rocked, truly rocked, I fall. And I fall hard. It’s rare and impermanent, but it happens.

It is a great gift to be broken, to be asked to reflect and then given the opportunity to rebuild. At this moment I’m trying to pick up the pieces, some that I didn’t even know I’d dropped, but I’m also looking at the foundation, looking to see the patterns that have led to this crumbling. And sometimes the work is overwhelming and I question if I’m doing as well as I think. But even then I know to look around and be grateful. Grateful for a home to come back to and not just a house, for harsh reality checks, for opportunities that continuously present themselves to me, for Sunday afternoons with amazingly talented friends, for well timed phone calls and I love yous, for conversations that push me to grow, for lovers that have taught me so much and for the ability to take it all in.

So yeah, life has been a strange place recently. Full of amazing and awful things. And I guess I wouldn’t have it any other way….

With too much light you go blind, With too much darkness you go insane, The quest, Is to live your life, At the breaking of the day.